It's probably about time I replied.
I did finally get the drivers working, but only after I removed, dusted-off, and reseated everything in the computer, reset and the updated the BIOS, and started with an old driver and gradually worked my way to the current version. Unfortunately, I have no idea which of these things fixed it, so if you're from the future via Google and are having this same problem... sorry bro. Try the BIOS first, that was probably it.
i had fun once, and it was awful.