Meds

[p1nkfl0yd1an]

The story of why I'm asking about meds is horribly long and complicated. I'll try and sum it up quickly as possible.

1. World record low self esteem. Whether it's my looks, personality, sense of humor... or what. I've got this constant feeling like I've got nothing to offer to the world.

2. Unexplainable need for companionship. At this point I'm somehow convinced that I'll be spending the rest of my life alone because deep in my head I truly beleive the awful things I think about myself.

3. Horrible family situation (my dad moved out with no notice didn't talk to anyone for a year. Currently has taken to drinking a bottle of vodka every two days and only calling me while drunk. In the past 4 month's he's drained the retirement account that was supposed to be for my mom and him), that came out of left field the exact instant 1. and 2. began to be major issues.

4. 1. 2. and 3. all happened about a year before I started my first year at University. I hit my first huge low point whe I started and I failed all my classes and was kicked out. (It wasn't laziness or anything, I just couldn't go to class because I wasn't sure if I'd make it through a whole lecture without breaking down and crying)

5. I took a semester off after being kicked out of real University and started classes at a Junior College in January. The classes had been going well till my trip with the Jazz band to a Jazz fesitval at the premiere Jazz program in the nation. I play lead alto and it's the one thing i've always been able to not hate myself for... until the clinician decided to completely rail us. Now I don't even feel like the one thing I liked about myself is good enough anymore.

6. This is the biggest one. I never asked for help about any of this from anyone other than a few friends. Most of these friends have now ceased talking to me because my emotional problems are too much of a burden for them to help take on. As lonely and worthless as I allready felt... i feel even more worthless now. What started out as me being bummed about getting in a town I didn't particularly like when I was 13 has progressed slowly over 7 years into something that's rendered me unable to see good in anything... or anyone. I don't trust a single person in the world to be decent. All I expect of my friends anymore is to be eventually crushed by their inability to deal with my issues.

Anyway I began seeing a therapist (psychologist) about 4 months ago and after he realized what a horrible state I was in he asked if I'd ever considered meds as a tool to help me cope with all these things that just keep happening one after the other. He can't perscribe them but if I had been willing then he would have referred me to someone who could prescribe me whatever is appropriate. Anyway right now I'm at the lowest point I've felt. Each day passes and I feel like I'm losing a grip on the possibility of ever being happy again. I can't keep my grades up in Junior college because I'm just incapable of concentrating on anything long enough to remember it and half the time I have to get up out of class to go break down in a bathroom stall. I have about a dozen panic attacks a day about dying before I ever get a chance to know what it's like to enjoy the things that are supposedly enjoyable.

Anyway.... thats the long story shortened... sort of.

[Athlete{UK}]

Ok mate. First what rockin robin said is very astutes and true. Quite impressed with him for that actually.

We're just people on the internet. For all you know i'm making all this up. We can only offer advice don't count on us as a major resource for helping yourself.

Your life obviously has had a serious set of knocks and I can't blame you for feeling like you are. But what I said before still stands.

I went trhough and still am going through 1 and 2. And my family life has had its own set of really bad ups and downs. My educational career has always been shitty (I wont go into details furtherr then being beaten by teaches was the lowest point. Mainly because this isn't a depression contest but I want you to know people have dealt with the shit you are and can help) For a long time all my friends stopped speaking to me and I was left alone to deal with it.

For me and maybe for you depression is kind of like a jengar tower. When its together it's fragile as soon as you remove one block others soon follow.

The good thing about this though is it can work the other way around. Once one bit of your life clicks into place.

For me that point came when I found the thing I wanted to do. I gave up on ICT which had caused me nothing but depression and moved into art and I love it. Soon after that I made a ton of new friends. I became more active I have a girlfriend and I am more confident. It was that one point which changed it all for me. Just finding the path and landing on my feet.

Now maybe I am just a lucky fucker or maybe this is something a lot of people in depression need to and can do.

Like I said though mate don't take anything here said and a difinative answer it's only advice. We're just chunks of text on a forum board. and everyone has had different experiences and their own problems.

Just know you're not alone in this and find your way. I think speaking to a professional is a good way to go but I would honestly say stay away from meds. It isn't a far step for them to fuck you up even more later down the line. And what friends and family you have are your most important people right now.

[Mr. Happy]

It's hard to really understand and commiserate over the internet, it's not completely real in a way...but I feel really bad for you, and I want to see your pain go away.

Seems like your psychologist thinks its a good idea for you to see a psychiatrist, they might prescribe, they might not, but if I were in your situation I would go see one and talk about meds.

I think once you start to dig yourself out of one hole the rest will start to fall away, it's like a cycle, and once it's broken you will still feel bad for a while but it won't repeat, it won't spiral.

For me it's always bit by bit, one thing get's better, which makes me see another thing, which changes mood and so on.

I know what you mean about friends not being able to deal with your problems, I've been there, and eventually I realized that it comes to a point where your problems are your own and your friends simply can't help, they just can't, and so it starts to be kindof annoying to them. There's nothing they can do really, and they've heard it all over and over again, ya know?


I am in no way a doctor I've known a LOT of people on a LOT of meds though, and I'm just thinking about them and how they've helped.. I think you should ask about stress/panic meds first, like Xanax or Klonopin. They aren't as drastic and brain changing like anti-depressants and might help with te breakdowns.

Alot of people are against medication just for the sake, but it can really be the key for the right person at the right time. Some people's brains are just missing a vital chemical, or form links wrong, or what have you. I really think you should TALK about medication with a psychiatrist or maybe a neurologist who knows more about the action of them, but don't just accept a prescription the first day ya know?

I'm curious, what do you mean by the clinician took the jazz away?

for you..

[Athlete{UK}]

Isn't there a danger in the USA due to it being comercialised that people will perscribe drugs on the basis of money rather then necessity? When i worked in camp all the kinds had to take at least one set of pill for various bullshit illnesses due to overperscription by money hungry doctors.

Could this be a problem here or am I just reading too much into it?

[Jest@]

Each day passes and I feel like I'm losing a grip on the possibility of ever being happy again.

That's a big problem dude. Don't let the fact that you're unhappy make you unhappy cos you're worried about always being unhappy. You trap yourself in a vicious circle. Deal with your current problems, your current state of mind etc, and don't worry/panic about how they'll affect the future. Get through shit bit by bit, don't let it trap you in that circle. I know it's easy to say, hard to do..and i wish there was more specific advice to give you..but try to keep out of that circle.

On the meds thing...I am by no means any kind of authority, but I've had a few friends with some (pretty severe) issues, and it seems like all the meds did was make things not quite as bad, but by no means better...and at the same time they left them emotionally numb and kinda just dragged their depression out longer imho. I wouldn't advise it, unless you're sure you can kick the problems (reasonably) quickly and kick the meds too. If you do decide to use them, use them to help yourself out of a bad patch - don't rely on them to keep you going every day.

Hope shit goes ok dude. I remember you from backintheday, looking forward to having you back on here often. Keep on swimmin'.

[Sorrow]

2. Unexplainable need for companionship. At this point I'm somehow convinced that I'll be spending the rest of my life alone because deep in my head I truly beleive the awful things I think about myself.

I so recognise that!

[9f1062f623f9]

I was bullied in school (mainly by some of kids I very well called friends) and left at age 10 ever since then it completely destroyed my confidence in everything, even my parents who just couldn't seem to grasp how destroyed I felt and without any real thought just attempted to usher me back into a school by any means possible - as soon as possible!

I was so afraid of seeing the kids who bullied me again because where I lived (and still pretty much do) was a pretty close knit community and you run into lots of people you know all the time. I refused to leave the house, I refused to talk to anyone, I felt totally destroyed and I was only 10 so I had no idea what I was feeling which now I know was extreme anxiety and depression. And I've lived with that all my life up until now (I'm 20 in 22 days yeah go me and all that crap)

I even began to have obsessive compulsive disorder thinking over and over the things that happened to me in school which just took any ounce of confidence in me, I couldn't even go out in the car or to the local store without getting anxiety attacks I was just terrified nobody could really understand how I was feeling. And Because of that I just became so upset and depressed with myself I just felt like jumping in front of an oncoming truck.

I eventually began to have home tutoring as school was just out of the question. So as the years went by a got a little better, I was still far to scared to go out for long and I'd have to be with someone all the time. I had no friends, nothing. Then I met a great friend (who I now live next door to with his wife and kid) who was great to talk to and chill out with. He also had a very beautifully sister who I had an eye for but would just feel physically sick every time I was near her as I was so nervous to say anything to her. And the funny thing is, I was 14 then, 6 years later I'm engaged to her and living with her sharing a wonderful life with her.

Anyway, enough of my life story - the point here is don't ignore the meds, I was put on beta blockers, and anxiety pills, diazapan and god knows what else at the age of 17 up until this day (I'm still taking a pill called cipralex). And I wouldn't have been able to go on much longer without them. They were a god send - the depression and anxiety just eventually released its strangle hold on me and I was actually able to pluck up the courage to go and do things that I'd never have been able to do before I had been put on the pills. I wouldn't sit in my room with a deep brooding depression thinking I was pathetic and a waste of human space.

I still get a few depressive episodes where I just go really quiet and moody, but it's to be expected and nothing as bad as how I used to be. All in all I can thank the pills along with my friend and his great wife, and of course my fiancee who kicked me up the butt and gave me confidence.

[Sauce]

things i find help:

get more sleep. Lack of sleep stresses you out and can lead to depression.

Move out of england (its so damn gloomy there!)

that is sort of a joke but take a holiday to a nice sunny place, get loooooaaads of sunlight, do fun things.

eat healthier foods

get more exercise

hope some of these help. they're all pretty small things but they add up.

[p1nkfl0yd1an]

Once again thanks for all the responses. The overwhelming ammount of people my age on all these meds is one of the reason's I've been so hesitant to consider taking any. I was pretty upset last night while I was typing that up. The thing with the Jazz clinician basically goes like this. At these festival things your group gets up and plays. Then you all go into another room and a clinician that listened to you critiques you and usually gives some helpful pointers. I'd quit playing the saxophone 2 years ago over the same feelings of inadequacy that plague my social life but I really missed being able to rip out a ridiculously funky solo here and there so I started looking for groups to join. Actually, playing the saxophone again is the only reason I went back to school. The school I signed up at was in desperate need of a lead alto and coincidentally I've played nothing but lead alto since I started playing Jazz.

Anyway... this particular clinician was the saxophone professor at this school in texas which is generally considered to be the top Jazz program in america. He basically tore us a new one during our session with him. It left me feeling like maybe I never should have started playing again... it just sucked.

I think I will see a psychiatrist in the end. If he decides to prescribe meds I'm going to be very careful not to become dependent on them in any way. If I ever start to feel that pills are whats making me happy as opposed to them being something that helps me focus less on the bad things and more on whats great about life... then I'll be done with them. Seriously, thanks guys.

[Hyp-R]

I have a strong disbelief in medicine.
I will never take it.

[Mr. Happy]

I used to have OCD when I was younger, if things weren't symmetrical around my head, or if one side of my body got a stimulus that my other side didn't I would freak out. I was put on some unpronouncable medication and it, I think because I was so young, basically cured me (usually its a life long treatment). I still get little attacks and the sensations from the OCD, but it's light enough now that I just deal with it, and don't take the pills.

I was also on Ritalin then Concerta for years, it really helped with school but made me kind of zombieish. Now I just use the lessons about thinking and living that I learned from those two drugs and how they made me feel to cope better/

So I'm med-free now, but the medication has really helped me.

Isn't there a danger in the USA due to it being comercialised that people will perscribe drugs on the basis of money rather then necessity? When i worked in camp all the kinds had to take at least one set of pill for various bullshit illnesses due to overperscription by money hungry doctors.

Could this be a problem here or am I just reading too much into it?

Not really, it's more to do with media hype. Parents and teachers see kids acting out and convince themselves they need medication. Alot of schools will suspend a kid who's acting out until their put on meds, which is bullshit, since their not doctors and can't make that choice.

For example, alot of doctors got flooded with kids who "had ADHD" and since it was still a newly discovered condition didn't understand completely how to diagnose it. Alot of people think it's not real but, well, it is. It's just that alot of kids have been diagnosed via questionaire rather than EEG. I had an electroencephelagram, which confimerd my ADHD. One interesting aspect is that when you have it, stimulants make a you drowsy, which is not normal.

EDIT: Also, durg companies pour alot of money into informing doctors about their product. So what happenes alot of times with things like, say, cholesterol or heart medication is that one will be prescribed more than another, equally effective, chemical.

[Dead-Inside]

I have a strong disbelief in medicine.
I will never take it.

And yet somehow I share your oppinion.

But that's highly personal, if you think the drugs will work, use them.

[Rocket_Robinhood]

The Second: If you do decide that medication is the answer, seek medication professionally administered, Don't self medicate!

I think most of the anti-depressants in question are perscription only. Or, maybe you're talking about smoking a joint, which wont solve your problems.

Yes that is exactly what I am saying. the last thing you need is depression and an alcohol/drug problem.

To athelete: Thanks for the compliment, my psychology teacher learned me good, I'm in no posistion to diagnose or give advice.

To Mr. happy: Up until i read what you ahd to say, i thought ADD was fake. I ahd never heard of anyone who had an EEG and was daignosed based on a solid defintion of symptoms. I had however heard hundreds of stories, one even happening to a person ive known for 10 years, who are normal kids, parents freak out because they are doing poorly in school, and BAM! they come to school the next day on ritalin. Anyways while I now believe in ADD i still believe that msot of the people who have been diagnosed with it, are perfectly normal, and are a product of yuppy parents.

To PinkFloydian: #2 on your list, I think everyone feels that at some point in their life, sure as hell I have, abd still kinda do. Also this Jazz guy, you have to understand, there are some people in the world where things will never be good enough for them, dont worry about it. Plus if he didnt pick you to pieces wouldn't he not be doing his job?

[Sorrow]

He also had a very beautifully sister who I had an eye for but would just feel physically sick every time I was near her as I was so nervous to say anything to her. And the funny thing is, I was 14 then, 6 years later I'm engaged to her and living with her sharing a wonderful life with her.

I just had to say I find that frakkin heart warming lol.
there's always hope or so it seems.

[Zabiela]

I just had to say I find that frakkin heart warming lol.
there's always hope or so it seems.

Quite true, I smiled when I read that too, gives one hope for the future.